So how do I feel? I'll tell you. I feel like a cell. I feel like a tiny part of a giant organism. I feel like a fool, and sometimes when I look in the mirror and think of everyone else it makes me feel crazy. Not bad crazy, just foreign. Day in and day out I move through life in a constant state of wonder that doesn't change. What changes is how I respond to the awareness of my position in life. I seem to swing between moderate states of connection and disconnection. Sometimes I wake up and feel the greatest sense of empowerment and other days I am despondent to say the least. I just can't seem to get over the fact that this is happening. It's happening right here, right now, and it's happening to me. Actually that's what makes it so bizarre, my awareness of the cascade of biochemical events that have to take place for me to even be able to be conscious let alone capable of describing the sense I have of the universe in the moment that I am having it to someone else that has the capacity through their own biochemistry to comprehend what I'm trying to communicate..
I hope I'm wrong, but I feel like most people don't take the time to try and understand how weird this life is. I think a majority of people don't allow themselves the freedom of thought to explore the bizarre nature of our existence. They seem to be most comfortable holding on dearly to the existential constructs that they inherited from their parents and grandparents.
Now that I think about it, I can't blame them. It's weird to step outside of the box that you grew up with and begin to create your own paradigm for trying to understand your existence. Those first few years of shedding yourself of the comfort zone you were raised in are some of the toughest years that I've ever experienced. The constant WTF? moments that I had when I would be thinking or studying about the interactions of chemistry and physics in our universe are some of the most visceral I've ever experienced, but I would never go back to where I was before. I now know for certain that there is nothing that I actually understand. The universe is too big and my brain is too small to make the calculations needed to understand anyway.
So with all of this in mind I'm going out for a skate and a slice of pizza because at this moment that's what makes sense to me.